these words are my diary screaming out loud

Im trying my hardest right now to be happy, but lately it seems like everyone is lying to me. There are some things that Ive wanted to post on my blog for days now, and now that some things are finally out in the open, I guess it is as good a time as any to write this.

For the hard part my boyfriend cheated on me with my sister. Yes, it is true. And it sucks. Guys cannot be trusted for anything. So now Im trying to decide what I want to do with my life. And how to fix the mistakes that have been made before anything else gets out of hand.

Im also realizing that everyday more and more people get kicked off of my preferred list. Maybe its because I cannot trust people. Or maybe its because I just dont want idiots who are going to comment based on how they feel about me to comment.

There are few people that I feel worthy enough to hold my trust, and if you are reading this, you are more than likely one of them. The others that arent cool enough to have myspace know that deep down I trust them with my life, even if I wouldnt give up my own life for their own. What can I say? Im selfish about living. But on that same subject, there is one person I would lay my own life aside for. Hes not on myspace, but I hope that he knows that I would give up everything for him.

But whatever. Thats the end of my random blog post.

she eyes me like a pisces when i am weak...

i had poetry ready to be put on paper, but then the living, breathing epitome of god walked into the room, and the words left me. so now i'm sitting her trying to remember what i was thinking.

right now i have a joss stone song stuck in my head... fell in love with a boy.

I fell in love with a boy
I fell in love once and almost completely
he's in love with the world
and sometimes these feelings can be so misleading
He turns and says "are you alright"
oh I must be fine coz my heart's still beating
come and kiss me by the riverside
Sarah says it's cool she dont consider it cheating

can't think of anything to do
my left brain knows all love is fleetin'
he's still looking for something new
I said it once before but it bears repeating

that song has been in my head for days, and i can't get it out. it's called 2 am by anna nalick.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake,
I don't love him, winter just wasn't my season
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites, you're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track,we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button girl,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
Just a day, he sat down to the flask in his fist,
Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year.
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him, maybe I'll just sing about it.

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe, just breathe,
Woah breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel, you shout
'Cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
These mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, its no longer
Inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
And breathe, just breathe
Woah breathe, just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe.

if you're cool and made it all the way through my blog, i'm not happy right now. i would be, but no. no one will give me the chance to be happy. and this little army guy came into the band hall to talk to us, and fort huachuca was mentioned, and it brought back so many memories, as did seeing the uniform. so i sat there in an uncomfortable silence, and i doubt no one noticed it. so now i'm sad, and i want to be happy, and no one knows how to make me happy. i so wish someone did. it would make things easier on us all. but no. everyone has to take the guys i want and make them their own, and then i'm left alone with no one. or else, some dumb whore treats the guy like shit, and then he swears off women because he doesn't want to get hurt. but that's okay.

for my final note:

girls are pure evil.

such a double standard, to be pure and evil at the same time.

giving up

This is to one guy in particular. He knows who he is.

This is me officially giving up. What I am I giving up on, might you ask? I am giving up on guys. Mainly because most of them suck. Or else they are so stuck on girls that do not care anything for them. I am giving up on guys because I am tired of being used. I end up finding a decent guy, and then he gets it into his head, Hey, she likes me. I bet I can get her to have sex with me. Im tired of every guy I run across thinking Im a whore. So now, in order to keep from seeming like a whore, Im giving up on guys.

you don't mean a thing to me...

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.



All I see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "Is something wrong?"
I think "You're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me



This is part of Tiny Vessels by Death Cab for Cutie. Im not posting the whole song because I feel like this gets what Im feeling across way better than the whole song would.